WOOD? OR FOOD? 😂

My family and I have the great pleasure of living in Balbirnie Park, it really is an absolutely amazing place to live, such wonderful walks and running trails on the doorstep, in the beautiful and ever-changing landscape, within which Balbirnie House itself sits, as the centrepiece.

We live in an old estate cottage which we acquired more than 20 years ago, which we then extended 15 years ago. 

Well before we acquired the cottage, the previous owners had planted what I think they thought would eventually be a Leylandii hedge, seemingly thinking that the hedge would provide some form of protection from winds from the north. But what they actually planted were Leylandii Cypress trees, which over the course of time grew with some of the largest becoming 100 ft tall, threatening the cottage every time there was a storm. 

So, after much ongoing dialogue with Fife Council upon whose land those trees were growing (there's a tree preservation order in Balbirnie Park), it was eventually agreed, specifically because the trees were not native to the park, that they could be taken down and the threat to property removed, on the proviso that I paid the ensuing £3,500.00 lumberjack bill. 

So, 3 years ago, professional lumberjacks were contracted in for a few days, and those trees were chopped down. The lumberjacks left the trees chopped into large sections, huge logs which would eventually need to be chopped further into smaller logs, eventually for burning in our house log burner.

So, summer 2018 we brought in a commercial log splitter, and then we started chopping! One epic day of work with five of us cleared half of the chopped down trees. 

Summer 2019 then saw the creation of an external log store. 

Fast forward to March 2020 and the global pandemic CoronaVirus lockdown, and I'm contemplating ways to keep myself busy at home. So, I thought I'd 'take on' the rest of the project on my own. 

At my 2020 start point the remainder of the chopped down trees were fairly overgrown, covered in brambles and moss. Basically, in a massive pile stretching from what you see below, for 20 metres or so towards the woodland at the back. 

So, I cleared the undergrowth, and one by one I began to remove moss, tree bark etc. Some of the logs were certainly beasts to shift, as you can see from the size of each disc. 

To give some scale as to what I was lifting: 

There was one log, which was seemingly even heavier than the others. I tried, and I tried, but it just wasn't shifting. So I said to myself, 'right then heaviest of the heaviest logs, I'm gonna need to leave you until later!' 

Here is the large log in question, moss removed and waiting to be lifted: 

So, I went into the house, and got my strength up with a lovely bowl of soup, spicy red pepper, aubergine, red onion and Santini tomato broth. Delicious.

Went back out and had another go at shifting the heavy log. Nope, still not shifting! Food obviously not nutritional enough! 

So I left the heavy log, and got on with shifting other logs. Helped now, by using the Balbirnie House 'suspended trade' keg-shifting trolley. 

Onwards I pressed! 

The harder I worked, the luckier I got with the shifting of the logs! 

Debris to the left, logs to the right. 

Accumulating big chunks ready for future splitting. 

On day 4 of this, I was nearly finished, all that remained was the shifting of that final heavy log. So, for lunch that day I had a bowl of self-invented IronMan soup. This is a base soup of supermarket 'Gorgeous Greens', into a mixture of sautéed garlic, spinach and chilli. I can assure you it is tasty and nutritious beyond belief! Should you wish to do so, you can add further greens, chicken, chorizo and potato. It is, an experience. 

If Heisenberg were to make a soup, this would surely be it! 

Strengthened by my IronMan soup, I headed to finally take care of the heavy log, muttering away to myself, 'It's judgement day for the heavy log!' 

Oh I tried to lift the log, but it just wasn't shifting. So I started cussin' away, as you do! 'C'mon ya big Jessie, get your back intae it! Goddamn it Sweet Jiminy Cricket you are an IronMan! That's it, get the knees bent, straight back, here we, here we go, heave ho!!!' 

But nothing. It just wasn't for shifting. 

So I thought I'd get my axe, and try and leverage it upwards from underneath. 

It was at that point that I realised that it wasn't a log, it was a tree stump! 

Oh My Sides! I sat on it and laughed for 20 minutes! 

'The hotel manager and the unliftable log'

(Image via Isobel Russell)

Best wishes one and all, 

Nicholas / MD Balbirnie House